Ok...so things aren't quite as bad as I think, I guess.

I have been sleep deprived and stressed and, yes, I've gained 15 lbs of the 50 I lost back (forcing me to go buy a couple pairs of pants a size up today--ugh), but all in all I'm going to be OK. I've made a lot of progress in the past couple years and really I SHOULD be proud of myself, but yet most of the time, I'm not. I feel like a loser, overwhelmed, incompetent, etc.

In reality it isn't all that bad. I need to embark on an exercising regime and get some patented, concrete 'me-time', but I am doing just fine. My homeopathic remedy is going well--my efforts at trusting my intuitive impressions are bearing fruit. Everything I've been trying to work on has been good, except for Pele's sleep schedule (and my weight, but that's more due to neglect) and well...just general adjustment to motherhood. That is long in coming. I don't feel like a 'natural'. I guess that doesn't mean I'm a bad mom--just means I'm me, and I realize how much creative time and independent time I really and truly NEED.

I had a dental appt today and was dreading it, dreading it, filled with dread. Instead of letting things go and just not worry about the outcome, I let myself be drawn into the drama of 'what if everything sucks?'. I passed with flying colors at the dentist, due to a sincerely and severely intense effort to take great care of my teeth lately--since finding 9 cavities last time. This is coming from someone who has never had more than a few cavities. It was a shock but not totally, because I had such a gag reflex during pregnancy and could hardly brush and hadn't been to the dentist for a year or two before that. Thankfully almost all of the cavities were pretty minor, on the gumline from too much acid (I ate tons of lemon water and fruit during my pregnancy). Of course I still have to get my cross bite fixed via Invisalign for a year (at 5.6k--none of it covered) and then get a gum graft (ouch) but at least I'm taking care of the problem. Then there's all Pele's dental work..ack. Well enough of that. We're gonna do that in January so I am not even going to let it enter into my mind except at the minimum.

All in all I'm still recovering from my rough pregnancy, two surgeries, being isolated from family and friends, and in general just learning to be an adult (glug? no glug?)and well...I'm mostly tired from reallllly bad sleep. Anyway...

My point is that I don't want to dread things anymore. I've been doing it since I was knee high to a grasshopper and I think it's high time I take control of it. We're going on a trip to Virginia and I already feel myself starting to worry about how Pele will do, etc. I just want to actually ENJOY the process of something for once, you know?

WELL...That's about it. I'll sign off with some pictures. I'll write more about my trip upon my return.

LOVE,

Hannah