Hannah's Heartfelt Harangues

Accidental Gooey Deliciousness

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 07:37:45 GMT

It started as an easy way to make something sweet with what little ingredients I had. Then it became something better, but not by my doing. I had a container of raw almonds intended, originally, to be a healthy, omega-oil and protein laden snack (and low carb). It ended up as a gooey mass of tastiness.

Right. Since I have nothing but fruit, vegetables, free range meats and almond milk in my house I am sick of being f'ing healthy. I have been craving things like french bread dripping with garlic butter and just any heavily allergy-laden, sumptuous meal. Or really anything. I admit I have gotten into a food rut. Because I'm trying to avoid a lot of common allergens with Pele (although I am beginning to suspect it won't help that much, but it might assist a bit as a part of a holistic program including sensory issue help and the seizure meds and sleep help).

My original intention was to make a somewhat naughtier version of the candied nuts over at Elana's pantry, but it didn't turn out anything like that recipe. I added lots more sugar (I rarely have sugar around the house and I only had it to make a specific birthday recipe, oddly for asian short ribs), so I threw a bunch of brown sugar and honey, vanilla, safflower oil, a dash of salt and a couple cups of the whole, raw almonds and tossed it around. The mixture was gritty from the undissolved sugar and I wasn't sure how it would turn out. Would it be a glaze over the nuts, or just a horrible mess? I wasn't entirely sure.

So when I peeked in the oven casually I saw it had bubbled up a bit but it was bubbling slowly, like when you make popcorn balls and need to read the soft ball...hard crack...whatever stage. I always hated the precision of candy-making.

I pulled the pan out of the oven carefully and eyed the bubbling mess warily. I knew that sugar burns could be bad. I grabbed a pan and poured melted ghee onto it, smeared it around, then spread the mixture onto a pan. When it cooled, it was a chewy mixture of nuts and sugar.

It firmed up a bit after a while but maintained its addictive chewiness. I ate more than I should've and decided to give the rest to my parents tomorrow when we see them. Then I made another batch, this time using macadamia nuts and melted chocolate in the mix. I think overall the original pecan mix was the best.

Well I am falling over exhausted and cranky and I am going to go to bed. I am having a bad day and Jeremy is taking over night duty for me because of my crappy mood.

I'll finish this post later...

This is Why I Love Roseanne Barr+What I Like to Write

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 07:19:11 GMT

From an essay written about herself:

"In an age and culture where women largely fell all over themselves to lap up the very small amount of approval that was smeared on the concrete by the soles of the feet of powerful capitalists, patriarchs and run of the mill priests, Barr stepped up to irritate and insist instead, that the owners of those feet kiss her very large dynamic and disagreeably combatant ass. She also graciously insisted that they invite their compatriots to take a crack at it as well.

She was the first of her generation to refuse to explain and apologize for being offensive, fat and in possession of an altered opinion and an unapologetic (as per her father's mentoring) lack of respect for anything that did not come from other resisters, jokesters and martyrs lynched on the tree of human Pride."

Anyway. I really dig her writing. There are a lot of good writers out there who are mostly just pretentious and lack substance. At least in my mind. Or maybe their pretentious perfectionism glosses over whatever substance they possess. People like Roseanne...gritty, down-to-earth people (and maybe even a little nutty), really appeal to me in an interesting way. It's why I choose not to speak with perfect grammar or use the exact correct punctuation even though I very easily could do so. I can't bring myself to do it. It feels stilted, rehearsed. I like having that edge of rawness and imperfection that really speaks of my humanity. It fits my personality better, it conveys more.

I guess that's why the best writing I've done is highly emotionally-charged neo-beat poetry that isn't a slave to formats and sentence structure. Yes, there are a lot of amazing writers out there, but for some reason, reading Roseanne's intense and unedited blog makes me want to write more than any polished novel or other tome out there.

Then again...this is just my opinion. My preference.

Note: this is an exaggeration. I honestly do like many styles of writing. :) I was in a weird mood last night. :D

Lazy Woman's Vegan Mochaccino

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 04:01:01 GMT

I was in the mood for something rich and chocolatey and coffee-flavored but without all the dairy, sugar, and caffeine (but please feel free to use caffeinated coffee with this).

So this is the ultra simple, ultra tasty recipe:

Lazy Woman's Vegan Mochaccino*

(serves one person, or you can double, triple, quadruple, etc this)

1 cup (approx) unsweetened chocolate almond milk (I use Almond Breeze because that's my favorite)
1tbs or to taste agave
few drops or to taste stevia (you can use either all stevia, all agave, or none if you like it completely and utterly unsweetened)
a dash of salt (optional--I just think it brings out the flavor)
1 heaping tbs instant coffee (I used decaf)
1/2 tsp vanilla (optional but good!)

Stovetop directions:

Warm everything in a saucepan (don't boil), serve immediately and enjoy.

Microwave directions: (for maximum laziness)

Warm mug of almond milk in the microwave, then add coffee granules, vanilla, sweeteners and stir.

Come to think of it, the stovetop directions are just as easy as the microwave directions, but you dirty a pan which involves more cleaning.

I love the taste of this. The nuttiness of the chocolate almond milk plus the richness of the coffee and of course vanilla makes almost anything sweet taste better. The taste was surprisingly reminiscent of General Mills International Coffees I used to enjoy with my grandmother (in all their hydrogenated oil/sugar-laden glory). It reminds me a bit of the Suisse Mocha, which I believe is my grandmother's favorite but I could be wrong. It was one of her favorites anyway. :)

Love,
Hannah

*please note that this is probably not technically a mochaccino, which is a cappucino with chocolate in it, basically. This is more like a mocha, or something similar.

This Doesn't Bode Well...

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 08:33:22 GMT

There's a winter weather advisory for tomorrow that may foil our Eve/Pele birthday plans. I hope that my older sister and her bf can make it here, but if the weather is prohibitive then obviously I don't want them to come.

Overnight: Snow. Low around 8. Wind chill values as low as -4. North northeast wind between 6 and 8 mph. Chance of precipitation is 90%. Total nighttime snow accumulation of 2 to 4 inches possible.

Sunday: Snow. High near 14. Wind chill values as low as -6. North northeast wind between 9 and 13 mph, with gusts as high as 20 mph. Chance of precipitation is 90%. New snow accumulation of 2 to 4 inches possible.

Tomorrow (wait, I guess today) we're having a combined birthday shindig for my dear little sister Eve who is 19 today and Pele, whose birthday is next weekend on the 13th but fell on one of Jeremy's on-call times where he is gone most of the day. It was originally going to be a combined birthday extravaganza for three, since my other little sister Claire's birthday is on the 20th, but she had to bow out due to pressing school deadlines. . I think it's so cute that their birthdays are exactly a week apart: 6, 13 and 20.

I'm so tired. I'm up late with Pele as usual and I want nothing except to crawl into bed, but I can't. I can't leave her unattended, especially right now with the seizures and her getting into mischief and all that stuff. I hope we get some answers with the sleep study we're setting up sometime in the next week or so.

I don't want to even THINK about the bills we've got coming in. At least we've met our deductible, and once we hit 2,500 in expenses after insurance (gulp) then everything else is paid for, but it's the end of the year so we don't have much time to take advantage of that, such as it is...

Annywayyy. I am so tired and typing almost hurts and I don't know why I even bother to blog.

My mom's making her delectable cabbage rolls, gluten-free angelfood cake and she even got a unicorn pinata for Pele, filled with small toys (no candy). I'm going to try to have a good time, even if I'm cranky, bitter, falling over from exhaustion or on edge.

Bittersweet Chocolate Crackle Topping for Non-dairy (or regular) Ice Cream

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 02:38:14 GMT

This was sort of a random experiment, but it was so easy. Excuse the weird photos. It's dark and I don't have a high enough ISO to not use flash so I just took pictures of myself eating in Photobooth.

You'll need (enough for 1-2 people):

1-3 tbs organic cocoa powder
same amount of non-dairy spread or non-hydrogenated shortening or (I used ghee, which has the dairy solids removed)
sweetener to taste (I used stevia, so this made it especially bitter-sweet, because I didn't have much left)
(optional) splash of vanilla or other flavoring

Melt the entire mixture either over the stove or in the microwave. You'll need to stir it until smooth, which is pretty easy. It should look pretty liquidy, but as the fat portion cools it will firm up (aka crackle). As soon as you pour it over some ice cream it will instantly harden. It's like the stuff you see DQ dip cones into except there's no hydrogenated shortening or artificial colors.

I served mine over vanilla bean coconut milk ice cream (Purely Decadent) with some warmed berries. Really good! Try different combos of flavors to different effect. You could use this with soy ice cream, coconut ice cream, rice ice cream, hemp, etc, etc.

If you like your chocolate sweeter, feel free to use regular sugar or other sweetener. I don't think you should use too much of any sweetener, it may offset the balance and the sauce won't harden, but it'll still be good so...who cares I guess.

Love,
Hannah

I Should've Taken a Picture

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 04:49:08 GMT

Well, maybe not. Leslie's post reminded me that I wanted to write about food. I made a gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, egg-free chicken pot pie last night that turned out really well but it was a little bit hideous because I am not really that proficient at crusts. Also I was sort of racing the clock because I was starving and Pele was interfering a LOT with the baking process. It's OK, though.

The crust (next time I'll use almond flour or something to cut down on the carby-ness) was made mostly of brown rice flour with a bit of arrowroot (maybe 1/4 cup), along with thyme, salt, garlic granules/powder and a good bit of non-hydrogenated vegetable shortening and some ghee. Because I added a bit more fat than I should've to the crust it actually was quite tender and fatty and rich, so this is not a meal you'd probably want to eat very often, but all three of us loved it, and that can only be a good thing, I guess.

I honestly think an easier way to go about this would've been to use a gluten-free biscuit recipe and then simply put the uncooked biscuits on top of the pie and not worry about a full crust. It would've also made it less rich/carby, but I admit I still like the full crust chicken pot pies better than the ones with just a top crust.

To make the filling--well that's pretty easy. I cubed (well Jeremy did) some chicken, sauteed it with salt, pepper, thyme and garlic and then added brown rice flour and a bit of olive oil and then added unsweetened brown rice milk (I wanted to use almond milk but they were out of original flavor and I wouldn't dare use vanilla, even the unsweetened one), I stirred for a while and it wasn't quite as thick as I wanted so I added a slurry of arrowroot and water (several TBS of cold water plus a couple TBS of arrowroot, mixed well), then when it was a bit thicker I added the easy organic frozen vegetable medley with peas, carrots and corn, but you could add whatever vegetables you wanted. Squash or green beans and of course potato cubes would be great, but I forgot those. Then I adjusted the seasonings--added more salt and pepper and garlic and thyme. I love sage and would've added that, but I read that it's contraindicated for seizures and now I'm nervous as hell to use it. Of course who knows what triggers seizures, it's so individual...but anyway.

Instead of making a full top crust I opted to make a lattice (thought it was easier somehow but boy was I wrong). Next time? I think I am going to use cut-outs form cookie cutters. I found out that it's way easier to do that than to either roll out a huge piece of crust to fit over the top (especially gluten-free crust) or the strips, which break fairly easily as well. The resulting lattice looked a LOT like a mummy's wrapped face.

There isn't much of the chicken pot pie left and I'm giving the leftovers to Jeremy to take to work, so now I am thinking of making some sort of beef and vegetable pie thing. Although I have such a blinding headache that I think I should just avoid cooking altogether and head to the bath as soon as Jeremy gets home and can take over the 'night watch duties'.

Love,
Hannah

Hrm...

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 23:25:07 GMT

I think I need to come up with something (and fast) to lift my spirits. Painting isn't proving to be enough. Nor is cleaning, organizing, e-mailing or calling people. Maybe I need to do something more social in person. Or maybe some sort of self-care body treatment thing (like a massage or facial). My body feels really tense as well as my mind, so it may be helpful. It would be nice to do something alone with Jeremy but with all the chaos that may have to wait. When I say 'alone with Jeremy' I don't necessarily mean sex. I just thought I'd clarify that. For any of the 1-3 readers I might have.

Oh me. I am tired of headaches...I have cut out almost all allergens from my diet (mostly) and I still can't get rid of the headaches. Of course the horrible sleep, stress and all that probably are going to prevent them from going away. I might try essential oils or self massage for the headaches. I don't really know if that'll help but I guess I could try it.

It's times like these that I totally understand alcoholism. Thankfully I'm not the drinking type so I have to resort to whining on LiveJournal. There's another possibility here, which is that maybe it's not normal for me to be happy right now. Maybe being upset and stressed is just how it is right now because of the circumstances and I shouldn't try to force myself to be anything else. As long as I can do that without getting stuck in this hyper-tense negative state, maybe it is fine. I mean, besides being stressed and unhappy, that is... :()

And it might serve the bonus purpose of weeding out false or fair-weather friends. Hey, it's worked before...

Love,
Hannah

Starving Artist's Lament

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 07:21:29 GMT

Not really...well yes, really. Haha. It is such a JOKE to look at my bank account. I think I have just under five dollars in checking, about the same amount in 'savings' and that much left on my credit card. This is bad! I really need to somehow get a handle on the finances.

I'm glad that we can (so far) afford the bills, but I so wish I contributed more to the finances. My business stuff is slow, as usual,and I wonder why I even bother, except that it provides some level of satisfaction other than...well financially. I've given away more things than I've sold...by far. I don't mind giving at all, but I wonder, also, if I have a block to MAKING money? I've been told this a few times.

Anyway...I knew that being a stay-at-home mom would not be lucrative (duh) and that my business probably wouldn't be either (duh?) so I don't know what I am really trying to say here. I guess I wonder, sometimes, why I chose to do certain things. Do I regret becoming a mom? Not exactly...but sometimes I wish things were going differently. Especially right now with Pele's seizures. And honestly...even before that with the sleep struggles and other problems. I'm tired of being up until 3-4 in the morning, spending most of my time worrying...fretting over everything. Feeling crazy and exhausted and upset. I feel so subhuman. Well I mean. I feel HUMAN, just feel crappy.

So, I guess the question becomes, how do I go from this feeling of frustration and restraint, to one of more expansiveness, or at least not feeling like I'm up to my neck in stress or disappointment? I know that what I'm hoping is that something BIG will rip me out of my current circumstances and take me to a new and positive place. In reality, what probably needs to happen is little changes over a longer period of time. Tiny ripples in the pond of pathos.

O.K. I am sorry for sounding pathetic. I really don't mean to. It shouldn't come so naturally. I am just trying really hard to work through some things. Hopefully I can get a little credit for doing that?

I've just got to try. As Pele would say, 'You've got to try a little harder.'

Pele's Cute Commentary+Homemade Ornaments (More to Come)

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 06:36:45 GMT

Today was challenging for many reasons. Pele was acting up a lot, slept oddly as usual, and had a seizure. Not a fun day, but I wanted to highlight the cute things she said, because I do feel it's important to acknowledge the good things, too, so I don't entirely lose sight of them:

A Conversation Between Pele and Dada:

Pele: Hey Dada. I want to chew something.
Dada: You do? What would you like to chew?
Pele: I want to chew my medicine.
Dada: Oh Doh! You're right. I almost forgot. Thank you for reminding me Pele.
Pele: You're welcome.

A Conversation About the Christmas Tree:

P: (Slamming into the Christmas tree at full speed and jangling all the ornaments)
H: (exasperated) Don't slam into the tree or we'll have to take it down!
P: You can't take it down--it's for decoration!
H: Do you like the tree?
P: Mm hmm! Merry Christmas, Mama!
H: Merry Christmas, Pele!
P: Come on, we're gonna have a Christmas. Are you ready for Christmas?
H: Ah...I guess. :)

(note: we put up a tree as a distraction for Pele. Plus we took some time to make some home-made ornaments out of leftover reference photo printouts (plus a few designs I made specifically for the tree). For that extra festive touch, we made a 'star' for the top of the tree out of three funnels of diminishing sizes in three different colors. Pele's idea! Here are some pictures:

Stuck in Time/Inertia

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 05:28:07 GMT

Do you ever have that feeling, as if time is moving onward, things are changing, you're aging, the floors and counters are getting older, dirtier, but nothing is really happening? I talk to Jeremy, but it's as if every conversation is deja vu. I complain about the same things, make the same dumb jokes, hit on him the same way, feel guilty or anxious the same way. I'm pretty sure a lot of it is in my head, but it's still a little disturbing. But yes, the paint needs to be redone, the floors are ancient and gross and there are a lot of things that I used to keep spic and span that I've neglected more and more over the past year or so. Out of tiredness? Tedium? What?

Everyone around you changes, too, kind of...but it's like I've been living with the color turned down several notches and the lights low for several years now. I feel like I got shoved down a tunnel of stress and aging and came out the other side wondering what happened.

I know...this is another of my depressing posts.

I had a local friend (who I see maybe once or twice a year) tell me how clean my house was when she saw me. I don't necessarily think she'd say that if she saw my house now. It's not exactly horrible but it's just kind of dingy. It reflects my frame of mind right now. So I guess that means (maybe?) by the same logic that if I decide to spruce things up and put some energy into my life, even if I don't have any energy to put into things, I might get a boost from it on an emotional level. I guess I will try it.

I went through a phase a year or two ago where I cleaned all the time. One dish was dirty--I washed it immediately. Something on the floor? Immediately picked it up. I kept ahead of things and had this (perhaps false?) sense of control over my environment. But on the other hand, was it really that false? It was real in its own, limited way.

It could be worse. I am not a hoarder, really. I have things I need to sort through and donate. I need to fold mounds of clothes and scrub the floors, but my dishes are clean (though they need to be put away). My counters are a little dirty but they aren't piled with anything. In another hour or so I'll probably decide to wipe them down because the thought of various surfaces in my house being dirty gets to me after a while.

Anyway, I know I'm only one of millions of women, people in general, who suffer the tedium of life and feel a slave to it rather than on top of it in any way, or directing it to their advantage. I think housewives have an especially hard time with this. Housewives--sorry. I hate that term. I guess stay-at-home-mom is more appropriate. Sometimes I want to get off the 'stay-at-home-mom' roller coaster. I get sick of it all. I get burnt out, I get caregiver syndrome, I get bored. I am tired. Especially with the whole seizure thing added to things. What is that saying? I'm wound tighter than an 8 day clock. The weeks have seemed like they last 8 days for a long time now. The irony is that I really never have a day off, so it doesn't matter if the weeks are 4 days or 8 days or 100 days. A day is a day is a day. There is no 'weekend' for SAHMs. Well, there's not for me.

There's this serious, deep tiredness that parenting brings that I cannot explain. It's like running a lap after having run 1,000 before it. Someone is pointing a pistol to your back, keeping you going. You have no real choice. You have to keep running, pushing through the pain. You can't quit. Of course you could but that would mean you're a deadbeat.

Again, I apologize for this post. It's more of a badly written vent than an interesting essay. It's not detailed enough to be a short story--nor evocative enough. It just is. It's probably pretty clear that I am very tired and depressed right now.

Let's hope this is one of those things I'll look back on with sympathy and wisdom. There has to be something good that comes from it.

Food Review: Blue Horizon Natural Seafood Bites (Gluten-free)

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:06:44 GMT

This is something I picked up as a relatively low-carb snack or meal for Pele (and myself). I grabbed one of each flavor that I saw at the store: crab, tuna and salmon. I figured it would be a nice dose of Omega 3, too.

The first one I'll review is the salmon cakes. They're probably my least favorite but I still find them delicious. The coating is not excessive (lots of salmon meat!) and it is well-seasoned. I just prefer fresh salmon to salmon patties, I've realized. But as far as salmon patties go these are quite delightful and would round out a light lunch on top of a salad or even as part of a sandwich filling. Or simply a light snack. I think you could add these to any number of meals.

There's one kind I really want to try that I'll have to see if I can find which is the 'fish and chip' bites. Sounds like fun. And I LOOVE fish and chips. One of these days I'll have to fry up a gluten-free version of them.

Um...I realized I don't have images of the other boxes, but they look much the same except they are labeled differently.

The tuna bites were my favorite--they're flavored with chile sauce and ginger and have that decidedly asian (duh) flavor to them. They're a tiny bit spicy but only a tiny bit. Might be a bit much for my 3 year-old but I like them.

The crab cake bites were my daughter's favorite. She ate several of these. I like them a lot--I suppose I would rank them second favorite.

Anyway, if you don't feel like cooking and want something gluten-free, protein-packed and omega-oil rich, then try these.

Allergen info: These contain soy, egg and fish.

All in all I love their products and I give them 4 stars!

****

Check out their website to see a complete list of their products and nutrition information.

Five Year LiveJournal Review

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 06:10:40 GMT

I've been blogging here since June of 2004, more than five years, and the past couple of days I've spent a good deal of time (wasting time, but who cares right now) reading over my old entries. And guess what? I've come to the conclusive that it's been a pretty stressful past five years. I didn't realize the extent of my stress, frustration and overall exhaustion from sleep issues until I re-read everything. The weight gain, the weight loss, the weight gain again. The addiction to carbs and caffeine which is no doubt connection to my horrible sleep and feeling of impotence (parenting-wise and otherwise). Of course I didn't really need a reminder of these things because it's still going on, despite the hundreds of articles I've read trying to fix these things, the books, the techniques, the application, the ensuing intense frustration.

The heartache of Pele's recent diagnosis may yet be a big part of the answer to why her sleep and mood has been horrendous at times. I am still scared to death that she has some horrible disorder causing the epilepsy. I sincerely and frantically hope that this isn't the case. It's the only thing that matters right now. I cannot accept that she may have some degenerative, deteriorating disease. I am trying not to jump to conclusions. I have a very active, stressed out imagination. Jeremy is amazingly resilient when it comes to keeping positive and practical, but he wrote something thoughtful to me today in an e-mail, that my intense desire to figure things out is also helpful, and that both of our approaches are needed.

I just wish I didn't feel the way I do now. I wish I didn't have these pressing and possibly painful concerns. The inescapable feelings of regret, sadness and helplessness. I feel like nothing that has happened in my life matters at all compared to this. I hope that this feeling goes away as she undergoes treatment and the seizures are controlled...as much as possible, anyway.

Bloggy Woggy Doodle All the Day

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:46:42 GMT

I was looking through my blog archives. I can't believe I've been blogging here since June of 2004! Jeez Louise.

I kind of liked my earlier blog posts, too. They seemed more exuberant. More immature. They were just more me, maybe. I think I've become ashamed of myself and tried to 'tuck myself in' like some flabby, unsightly blob or something. I know, a weird analogy.

To celebrate almost 5.5 years of blogging (yay?) here is a blog post from 5 years ago:

October 3rd, 2004

ooOOOoooo...In-laws and Diets....Eee! :)

Oct. 3rd, 2004 at 12:45 PM

Hello All...

It's been a fair bit since I've written an entry, hasn't it? Oh well, I'm sure you're all crushed. Let's see. Well, I'm (slowly but surely) getting ready for the in-laws to get here tonight. They're driving all the way from Virginia. Wowza. I got stuck with all the cleaning and prep because of Jeremy's hectic work schedule of late. That's fine, I'm not exactly complaining, just commenting and reminding myself so I don't slack off and stop cleaning. Hehe. Luckily it's not a big mess, just needs some sprucing up...dusting/mopping/clothes folded, etc. The deal with Jeremy's work is that (as you've probably read in my previous entries) his former employers (Shell) sold and changed over to Magellan (as of October 1st), so he's embroiled in the chaos of the transition. He got called about 8 times last night (he was on call), and I think he's pretty tired today. Luckily he doesn't go back to work until next Sunday? Or is it later? He's having the other operators cover a few days for him while his parents are in town, since he hasn't seen them in over two years and we're planning on going to Vail with them for a couple days. HMmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Anyway, that was redundant. Well, as of a couple days ago, I am on Southbeach Diet. It's kind of goofy, but my mom wanted to try it to shed a few pounds (she really isn't overweight but she was feeling a little sluggish and wanted to try it) and she asked me to be her partner. I figure I should be in better shape for if/when I get pregnant, so I said sure, I'll try it. Hehe. I knew how much I love food, but being on a diet really reminds you of that fact. I rely on food too much for enjoyment anyway. The basic premise of the diet is to teach you better eating habits, which I think is much more effective than diets such as Slim-Fast or atkins, which have you lost weight relatively quickly, but when you go back to your normal eating habits, it all comes back. This diet has a kind of ramped up start (phase one), in which sugars and carbs (including fruit), and dairy are cut out to eliminate a lot of common cravings (similar to the Atkin's diet, but promoting low-fat), this phase lasts 2 weeks and people lose anywhere from 5-25 or more pounds, and then you enter into phase II where you re-introduce dairy (lowfat), fruit, and whole grains. This phase can last as long as you want it to to get to your goal weight. I have a feeling that will take a while for me :p The third phase is just upkeep. You basically eat a balanced diet low in sugar and fat, hopefully altering your eating habits for the better. If you gain some weight back, it recommends going back to Phase I for a little while. Annyway. I'll let you know how it goes.

1:21 pm...the day is going by kind of quickly. I have about 7-8 hours before both Jeremy and his folks are expected to get in (Jeremy from work). I'm going to make spaghetti and meatballs for dinner...unfortunately I can't eat the pasta part but I can eat the meatballs and sauce, and maybe some veggies with it. I'm pondering getting some wine or beer for his parents to have after their long drive or with their meal. I can't drink any (no alcy phase I), which is fine because I haven't been drinking anyway, since I never know if/when I'm pregnant. Pregnancy testing time is coming up (I think I'll test on Jeremy's b-day, Oct 9) so we'll see what happens. I really don't think I'm pregnant. September was kind of a stressful month and we really didn't have sex that much. Then again, it only takes one time at the right time, and it can happen. Odds are odds...

Ok, this entry is at maximum as far as I'm concerned. I have to get back to cleaning.

Much love to you, my unfaithful fans,

Hannah

Mood: busy
Music:99.5 (The Mountain) It was Beatles this morning

Dream Symbolism During Stress

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:53:53 GMT

I'm probably going back to bed (if I can shake the images from my dream) but I thought I'd post something quickly to clear my head.

When I'm under stress my dreams are rather intense. I guess this can be filed under 'obvious' but it's almost like my subconscious' way of trying to purge all the negative emotions and situations I'm experiencing. It's almost never literal, though. That's what I love about dreams. Instead of stating the obvious like, 'You're in a constant state of panic because of what is going on with your daughter and feel like nothing is in your control' what happens is I have a dream that can recreate that feeling in an exaggerated way.

The dream I had that I just woke from was one such dream. It used my fear of blood and saliva communicated diseases to illustrate the feeling of panic and feeling trapped in a situation you hate. The basic storyline was that I went into a hospital (I guess that part was literal) and it was a wing for needle addicts (a la heroin, etc). I hate needles (rather I should say, I hate diseased needles--the thought of them makes me sick.) That's part of why I always wear shoes, I am terrified of coming across one of these at a park or at the beach, etc, abandoned by some diseased drug user.

So, as I am walking through this wing of the hospital with a nurse, a guy comes up to me and stabs me with a needle (intentionally). It barely goes into my skin, since I dodged his attack, but it managed to prick me enough to infect me. At this point in the dream I am not sure if I am infected but I fear that I am. I go back to a nurse's station and already there are boils/lesions showing up on my leg. The medical jargon in this dream made absolutely no sense at all. You can tell I never watch medical shows. Something about my leg being 80% infected already (which means I was very ill) by this autoimmune disease/virus (those are the ones I'm the most afraid of--the viruses that live in your body and can't be cured...shudder).

Anyway...umm...so that is pretty much it. The dream ends with me crying and telling my family how I have this autoimmune virus that I got from this crazy drugged out guy who stabbed me while I was in the hospital. Fun, right? That's the kind of dreams I get when I finally try to have a good night's sleep. Of course I still slept like hell, but despite this, I am still glad that I have these dreams, as they clearly illustrate the level of stress I have and how important it is to cope with it. In my experience, as long as not taken too literally, dreams never lie. They give you important information about how you're doing.

Worst Halloween Ever

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 18:05:27 GMT

That is no exaggeration. Pele had her fourth seizure yesterday at 6pm, while my parent's were here, originally to see Pele hand out treat bags to the neighborhood kids. We were watching A Nightmare Before Christmas when Pele began exhibiting the signs of a seizure coming on. The disturbing thing is that it happened three days earlier than the other three seizures, which happened 10 days apart nearly exactly. Additionally, it happened during the day instead of at night, which made me worry more. Although I know that the common factors seem to be that she'd had a busy/exciting day (went to a children's science museum in Lafayette, was out and about), and as usual had sleep issues/resisted sleep. I am compiling a list of common triggers even though the information I have is incomplete at best.

Anyway...I am very upset obviously. I don't even know why I'm posting, because it isn't as if someone can magically help me with this. Still have another month to wait until seeing the neurologist, although I am going to call on Monday to see if I can either get a second (earlier) appointment with someone else or can somehow move up the appointment.

Obviously we canceled our planned activities to hand out treat bags. We turned off the outdoor lights, ripped the skull decoration from the door, and gave the treat bags to my dad to hand out to the kids with disabilities next week at school. We watched her carefully throughout the postictal phase and then eventually got her to sleep again sometime around 3am or so.

I feel badly that my parents had to witness that, as it is bad enough that we have to see it. But, it is what it is...

Sigh.

p.s. as a warning-if for some reason you've been following along and anticipated a cheerful, recipe-laden blog with light reading, I would suggest you go elsewhere for a while...

A Commitment

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:53:41 GMT

When I had Pele, obviously I made a commitment to love and care for her. I didn't know then that this commitment would include a grueling set of experiences including hospitalizations (my own and hers), severe sleep problems and seizure disorders. I thought, on some level, as many parents do, that the problems would be fairly expected. Difficult, but not THAT difficult. I believed that I had done everything I should've done--taken vitamins, probiotics, omega oils to help develop her brain properly, avoided a lot of junk food, and also the obvious no-nos such as alcohol and drugs.

In the end, even my persistent pessimism was not enough to prepare me for this level of stress. The stress of seeing your child have three seizures (that, by the way, for anyone who is reading, ended up not being febrile, but as yet have no determined source). Not knowing what to do, knowing there are always risks involved with any course of action.

I haven't been able to relax since this began. I am trying, now, to do so, as I know that I need to, but it is a challenge. I am tired of being tired. I am sick to death of being exhausted and stressed. So I am making a sincere effort to shift my attention from fear to action. I've always been pretty strong in both. I hate inertia and I hate fear, but that doesn't stop them from cropping up.

In any event, one of the things I am doing (besides seeing a neurologist on November 30th--which is the earliest they could get us in) is doing my best to make her diet healthy and allergy-friendly. I have cut out dairy, gluten, eggs, refined sugar and most grains. It's basically a modified whole foods diet. I am not exactly doing an elimination diet but it is similar. I am hoping that it will help. Even if it doesn't prevent her seizures (it may or may not--my chiropractor says he has patient with seizures-sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't) I think it will still be helpful overall for her health, and that can only be a good thing. It is not going to be easy, but I am making a list of foods that she likes that she will be able to eat. I am only buying foods that she responds well to and can eat on this limited diet.

There is an even more specific diet called the ketogenic diet which is supposed to help hard-to-control seizures, but this has to be very carefully initiated and approved by the neurologist. I am not going that route, especially as I think I need more information. I don't yet know why her sleep is so off or why she is having seizures and whether there is a correllation. I do know that it may explain the extreme difficulty I've had with her sleep. I guess after all this I hope that it can shed some light on the sleep problems. But at the very least I just want her to be as safe as possible no matter what is going on with her.

For now I am just doing what I can. I'm consumed by this, whether I like it or not. I still need to pay attention to self care-which I have started by going to the chiropractor and getting adjustments for my sciatica and other issues in my neck/back which seem to get particularly out of whack when I'm stressed. I am going to eat better along with my daughter and husband. I may still revert to assuming the worst, but at least I can say that I am working through it and trying things.

Love,
Hannah

Snow Day Smoothee: Strawberry-Vanilla (Non-dairy)

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:38:39 GMT

I'm sure anyone who is reading this is probably sick of my silly, simple smoothees, but here's another one anyway:

Simple Strawberry-Vanilla Smoothee:

1 cup (give or take) frozen, organic strawberries
1.5 cups (give or take) coconut milk beverage (or other non-dairy option)
1 tbs vanilla
Agave to taste

Blend until smooth and drink. The coconut flavor is really non-existent in the coconut milk beverages, and I think in general the strawberry-vanilla flavor overpowers anything else, but if you wanted to add a more coconutty component, add some coconut extract.

Love,
Hannah

Chocolate, Pumpkin Butter, Peanut Butter Non-dairy Smoothee

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:09:37 GMT

I kind of hate this picture of myself sipping. It makes me face look bizarre, but I like the way my hair curled after I took a shower (it's still wet in this picture) and I like the skeleton in the backgroudn and the sepia+antiqued thing I did to the picture, so it almost makes up for the things I don't like.

I know...it sounds gross, but honestly it was good! I am not sure if this proves anything, but I am not a huge peanut butter person and I'm not a huge pumpkin person. I admit I do like pumpkin pie on occasion and pumpkin bread (want to make a good gluten-free version--I saw one with cranberries on a blog that I might try), but I am not gung ho about either ingredient per se, so I was nervous...

I ran out of fruit and sweeteners of any kind--most of what I might need for a smoothee. It was funny. Of course that's when weird and sometimes wonderful things happen in cooking. This was one of those unexpected successes.

Here's the approximate recipe (please note I am terrible at gauging amounts):

Approx 1.5-2 cups of non-dairy milk (use coconut milk beverage, soy milk, almond milk, rice milk, or nut milks. I used a combo of two of these, what was left in my fridge, which wasn't much)
2-3 tbs (or to taste) pumpkin butter. Pumpkin butter is SWEET so it serves as a sweetener for this. Frankly you could use less. I can't remember how much I used but that sounds about right--a few tablespoons. You could use 1-2 then see if it needs more. Essentially pumpkin butter is pumpkin, sugar and spices. You could make a lower-sugar version by cooking down pumpkin with agave or a touch of honey and adding the spices of your choice (usually the typical cinnamon/ginger/clove type spices).
2 tbs of unsweetened, organic cocoa powder
1/2-2/3 cup of ice (enough to make it as thick as you like)
I added a splash of water to it because I ran out of milks, but it probably is better not to use that.
1 tsp vanilla extract
2-3 tbs peanut butter or nut butter of your choice

Now the big question...what does it taste like? Well, my husband couldn't decide how to describe it but he said, 'It's good. I like it. It tastes familiar...' Hehee. I am really not sure what to make of that. You can taste all the elements and they go together oddly well. The pumpkin-spice flavor goes well with the chocolate that goes well with the peanut butter. It almost makes me feel like I'm tasting some hybrid quick bread selection, except in drink form. Well that doesn't make any sense, but if you have some pumpkin butter, or if you have part of a can of pumpkin left over you can throw this together. You could probably add one part pumpkin puree to one part agave and a few dashes of your favorite spices and come close without actually using pumpkin butter.

I was just sick of seeing the pumpkin butter in there and not using it. I may decide to bake something with it. It might be good added to pumpkin bread or pie or something.

This drink really needs a better name. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to comment.

Wow...

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:28:20 GMT

Pele is eating nonstop! In the past couple of hours, she has had two bowls of sweet potato soup, two bowls of brown rice couscous, sliced cucumber and goddess dressing...and I think I am forgetting something.

She's been asking for food constantly lately. She's always into food but it seems more extreme than usual. She is quite tall and apparently in the 95% percentile for height, especially. I wouldn't be surprised if she was going through a really long growth spurt.

The only problem is I am constantly running out of food and we are especially broke right now. And she is picky sometimes. I try to introduce a variety of foods, and I tend to avoid gluten, dairy and refined sugars, especially. It isn't perfect by any means, though and I slip up plenty with her. I do the best I can, especially considering how tense I've been lately. I wish she'd eat more protein/beans, bulky veggies. That sort of thing. She loves fruit, certain veggies and crackers especially. I try to alternative the carbs with other things, but she gets on kicks where she won't eat certain things for no apparent reason, then eats a lot of them at once.

Anyway. I feel really edgy today, as if I drank 10 cups of coffee. I know my period is due any minute and I'm under stress right now, but it seems odd. I guess my sleep is bad too. I dunno. It must be some bizarre cocktail of moods that is colliding within me. I have been trying to breathe. There's so much going on in my brain right now. And I feel so claustrophobic about my life. Sometimes I just want out of it all.

Love,
Hannah

French Nest Market Canceled, Loveland Studio Tour Still On

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 22:21:37 GMT

I realize probably no one who reads this would even care about this, but regardless, The French Nest Open Air Market was canceled. I am disappointed but not surprised. The inclement weather was more than a little discouraging. More like prohibitive. They were worried about people slipping on ice (if they came at all) and vendors freezing their tushes off. Personally I am glad I don't have to rush to get last-minute display prep done while simultaneously preparing for Jeremy's birthday party tomorrow, especially after a harrowing week like this.

But still...would've been nice to paricipate! No big deal, I reckon. I figured one of the shows wouldn't go. Seems to be the way of it! At least it isn't like last season. I had three booths in a row get canceled. What a downer. But there is still the Loveland Studio Tour. Granted, I probably won't be able to attend most of it, but I will have my work there.

Anyway. Here is the flyer for the Loveland Studio Tour. The Power Station Building is the location for the Sage Moon Originals portion of the tour (which I'll be part of) and that should be a cool location. I'm looking forward to seeing it. I've never actually been inside of the building.

Click on the image for a larger version.

Love,
Hannah

Roseanne TV Show Finale

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:34:52 GMT

I was in the mood for something comfortingly normal and nostalgic--and I remembered Roseanne (the TV show) which I actually thought was a brilliant, funny, gritty TV show, especially for its time.

The season finale is really touching (even if you never watched the show), but it is more interesting if you followed the show.

Part One:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e7XY0A168U

Part Two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDg3bhBH0DM&NR=1

It's written both as the perspective of the writer and as the character, which I thought was clever and meaningful.

Deliciously Creepy, Cheesy Portraits

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 05:20:19 GMT

This is cheesy, but I love it. I saw these at Target for $5.99 (well one at Target and one at Walgreens. I know. Utter cheese.) I love old portraits to begin with. I think they're creepy even without alteration, but these holographic portraits just make it over the top.

The one of the mother and child I may have to keep up all year because it matches the colors in my living room and it just tickled me.

Click on the images a couple of times to see larger versions. I wish I'd gotten better photos in better lighting but it is hard to capture the holographic images without it. I managed to get the 'normal' version of the woman and child portrait and the creepy one by photographing it at an angle, but anyway.

Behold, the true spirit of the Mona Lisa, with her cat Gertrude (Stein) ? ...

Or if you prefer, Hilda Fairchild with her son? daughter? Maddox:

I have another one (a dude) but I don't have photos of that so you'll just have to stay tuned...

Love,
Hannah

Sneak Peek of New Fall Pieces

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 02:31:45 GMT

Here are some pictures of the twelve new pieces I made this past weekend.

Actually I worked on them Friday and Saturday. Thankfully I finished these before the difficult incident with Pele on Sunday, as I don't think I would've been up to doing it after that. Maybe subconsciously, like a wild animal sensing a storm, I knew something awful would happen at 5am on Sunday morning so my body kicked into high gear to get them finished. O.K. maybe not, but you never know... either way I am surprised that I decided to make twelve pieces in two days but I'm glad. I kept asking myself why I was in such a huge rush but perhaps I shouldn't question such things.

I still (might) make one or two wall hanging pieces, but I am not going to worry about it too much. As it stands I should have a good 30 or so pieces to show and that is plenty. I just wanted to be ambitious and also see what people thought of the wall hangings. But there's no need to rush, especially now.

Anyway, these are the pendants that are inspired by vintage fabrics. I do think I like the way they turned out. I'll try and post pictures of the finished pieces with cords and all. I sprayed one glossy coat (it's a triple thick coat) today and in another day or so I'll spray a second coat and then I'll make the cords for the pieces, which will take a while since there are twelve to make. I grouped them in 3 groups of 4 for the photo. No particular reason, I just needed to separate them instead of take a picture of a line of twelve, since I wouldn't get any of the detail that way and apparently I was too rushed/stressed to take pictures of the individual pieces.

Click on the photos to see a larger size. Click on them multiple times to see them HUGE ( if you love seeing every brush stroke.) Actual size is approx. 1.5"L X 1"W and these are pictures are sans the protective coating:

Thanks for looking!

Yours Truly,
Hannah

For Strange Women

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:55:58 GMT

For Strange Women.

This is an Etsy shop. There are SO many Etsy shops. I no longer have an Etsy shop because I felt like I wasn't doing very well there. The pieces I did sell seemed to sell outside of Etsy. For some reason people were very resistant to buying through Etsy. Perhaps they didn't want to sign up and go through that process. I don't know, but I don't mind not having to pay the Etsy fees. They aren't exorbitant but they aren't exactly winsome either. Hehee.

Regardless of my own experience trying to sell there, Etsy is still fun to look at, and it's been a while since I've had a thorough look see. I need a serious diversion/distraction today. I am always interested to see what sells, as well as just to look for the hell of it and to amuse myself. I get jealous, though, when I see that something has sold when my pieces have not. I admit it. Especially if the piece obviously took way less effort and heart than something I made.

However, I know that art and life don't work that way. The amount of work you put into something, or even if you throw your entire self into it...well, it doesn't guarantee anything. Sometimes something just catches like wildfire and you aren't even entirely sure why. Other times I think something is worthwhile and no one else really seems to think so. That's why you can't hang your hat on the fickleness of people's reactions. It's all about the process itself and, I reckon, in finding a target audience.

But you know...for the most part I've stopped feeling upset or even vaguely competitive with anyone else. I don't want to be green-eyed toward somebody in Kansas City who mixes unusual oils and strange necklace vials that are charming. I really do appreciate all artists and artisans. When you do what you love or at least what you are driven to do, it really doesn't matter what or how anyone else does.

Love,
Hannah

Biting Off Too Much+Headaches=Productive+Cranky

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 04:24:59 GMT

I've got a lot of painting to do and not much time to do it in. And most of the time I'm home I can't paint because (well, just trust me on this one...I've tried to do it with Pele around and it's a disaster. The pieces I work on are very small and one bump or slip and it messes them up). I can't seem to distract her while I'm painting. So I do whatever I can quickly and the non-painting parts first. For example, I just sanded and sketched out what I was going to paint on the wood pieces. So at least I'm making some progress. But it limits the time where I can paint to whenever Jeremy is home or Pele is asleep (which is sporadic in the case of the latter thing).

Essentially I have about twenty pieces to make in less than two weeks--and I want to have most of it done before the end of next week. The first show I'll be in is on October 10th and I am not actually going to be present for most of it because that's the day of Jeremy's birthday party and I have to set up for it and also just spend time with Jeremy. But I really, really wanted to participate. It's the last French Nest Open Air Market of the season. I went to one before this and even though I didn't sell anything then it was good exposure and I got an idea of the market. It gives me a chance to see if it's the timing that's off or my product? Or where I am selling? Anyway...for those locals that enjoy outdoor markets with everything from handmade soap to jewelry to hand-sewn clothes, etc, then The French Nest Market really is a very good one. All local and funky artists of all sorts and very little mediocrity to be found. I mean, I am not bragging--I am speaking about the other vendors that I've seen there.

Then a week later I'm participating in an event in Loveland for Sage Moon Originals. There isn't info up on-line about it yet, but I will post about that, too. It's the weekend that Jeremy will be gone, October 17th, so once again I will only show up briefly because a wild toddler and an art show don't mix very well. But I would still like to set up a small area with some of my pieces.

I did this to myself, however. I knew that if I didn't make creative goals for myself that had strict deadlines and accountability then I wouldn't complete them, or at least nothing significant. I was so much more driven creatively last year and I have lost SO much momentum this year. I know the awful sleep doesn't help. But I think sometimes a person just needs a jump start. Thankfully I have an internal mechanism, an alarm that seems to go off periodically to tell me that, 'hey, you're being complacent, you're letting your creative energy go to seed.' It's not necessarily a mean voice but it's an impatient voice. I gave myself some slack, though, because I know that I haven't been feeling that great lately on most levels and fallow periods are necessary to artists of all kinds.

Despite the frequent headaches I've been having (I just took a dose of BC's headache powder) I am enjoying researching new images and ideas for pieces. The new necklace series I'm making is revisiting an older idea/series that used designs inspired by vintage fabrics from the 40's-80's. There are some great ones in there. Unusual colors and interesting patterns. I sorted through a TON of images of vintage fabrics, altered them, cropped them and use them as reference, but I always change things some because I want them to be original and not exact copies of what the fabric.

After I finish this series (which is about 1/3 done at the moment) then I'll start on the small wall hangings. I think I really only have time to paint 2-3 of those. In any event, I will post images of these series when I'm done.

In the meantime, here are some of the vintage-inspired designs that I made earlier this year:

In Discomfort and Productivity,
Hannah