I've been blogging here since June of 2004, more than five years, and the past couple of days I've spent a good deal of time (wasting time, but who cares right now) reading over my old entries. And guess what? I've come to the conclusive that it's been a pretty stressful past five years. I didn't realize the extent of my stress, frustration and overall exhaustion from sleep issues until I re-read everything.  The weight gain, the weight loss, the weight gain again. The addiction to carbs and caffeine which is no doubt connection to my horrible sleep and feeling of impotence (parenting-wise and otherwise). Of course I didn't really need a reminder of these things because it's still going on, despite the hundreds of articles I've read trying to fix these things, the books, the techniques, the application, the ensuing intense frustration.

The heartache of Pele's recent diagnosis may yet be a big part of the answer to why her sleep and mood has been horrendous at times. I am still scared to death that she has some horrible disorder causing the epilepsy. I sincerely and frantically hope that this isn't the case. It's the only thing that matters right now. I cannot accept that she may have some degenerative, deteriorating disease. I am trying not to jump to conclusions. I have a very active, stressed out imagination. Jeremy is amazingly resilient when it comes to keeping positive and practical, but he wrote something thoughtful to me today in an e-mail, that my intense desire to figure things out is also helpful, and that both of our approaches are needed.

I just wish I didn't feel the way I do now. I wish I didn't have these pressing and possibly painful concerns. The inescapable feelings of regret, sadness and helplessness. I feel like nothing that has happened in my life matters at all compared to this. I hope that this feeling goes away as she undergoes treatment and the seizures are controlled...as much as possible, anyway.